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Sandie's Story

5/25/2015

1 Comment

 
My husband Ron and I are native Rhode Islanders who moved to Illinois, just outside of Chicago, in 1978.  Our two children, first a daughter and 3 years later a son, were born and raised there.  We had the perfect family, two very bright children (a daughter and a son), a house, 2 cars, 2 cats, and a dog (and later my mother living with us).  We lived in a great diverse neighborhood and town. We lived in Illinois for nearly 32 years; and then one day in 2009 we decided we were going to move back to Rhode Island.  Both children were married and living in other states--one in Massachusetts and the other in Seattle.  So in November 2009 we moved back to Rhode Island.  About two weeks after moving back, we get a phone call from our then son asking if we were both home.  We could tell by his voice that there was something serious going on.  So, we sat and listened with 3,000 miles between us, while he told us of his journey of experiencing severe depression and anxiety and ultimately being diagnosed with gender dysphoria.  That's when she told us she was transgender and what that meant.  After having been living as a woman privately, she was about to come out publicly as Annabelle, the woman she always was meant to be.

Our initial reaction was relief...whew, no one died, no once had cancer.  There were currently no issues with her marriage, no one got arrested, etc., etc.  Fear of the unknown causes many crazy images to go racing through your mind, when you hear the words "I need to talk to you."  So, okay, is that all?  We can deal with that.  Not quite sure what yet; but that we can handle.

Did we feel a sense of loss?  In a small way, yes.  It was nice having a daughter and a son.  A complete family, right?  It sounds good.  But we really didn't "lose" our son because she didn't go anywhere.  Our new daughter was the same person she always was.  In fact, she was better.  She was no longer distant and noncommunicative.  She smiled more.  There was a lilt in her voice, which became higher-pitched and softer after she began hormone replacement therapy.
And she called us more often!  She was happy and relieved to have finally unburdened herself of her secret. 

Although Ron and I both grew up and still practice our Roman Catholic faith, we are both fairly liberal in our views and in our support of the LGBTQ community.  We have other relatives and friends who are gay, so we did not have any issues in immediately accepting and loving Annabelle.  But, as parents, we did fear how she would be viewed and accepted by others.  More importantly we feared for her safety as a transgender woman.  Althought you always worry about your children's safety no matter how old they are, being trans just added another layer to our worry meter!

One of our first actions upon learning of Annabelle's transition was who do we tell and how do we do it.  Annabelle contacted her sister and told her.  She asked us to inform her uncles and their families and together we told her one remaining grandparent.  We visited her grandmother while Annabelle phoned her to tell her she was now living as a woman.    Later, Annabelle would meet my cousin Deb and her partner Alexia, who were filmmakers.  This led to the documentary film about Annabelle, myself and our friend Shannon, called TransJourney.

I had been familiar with PFLAG for many years but had never felt a reason to contact them before.  But after Annabelle came out to us, I thought it would be a good idea to attend a meeting, if for nothing else than to see if there were other families of transgender children to whom I could relate.  Thus began my journey with PFLAG where I met a wonderful group of caring, compassionate people who got what I was feeling and who felt as strongly as I did about fighting for equality for our lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and gender non-conforming family members.

One thing led to another and here I am leading the fight for the Greater Providence Chapter of PFLAG!
1 Comment

When My Daughter Came Out - A Mom's Story

5/25/2015

2 Comments

 
My middle child had a turbulent adolescence and young adulthood, quite unlike my other two children.  Drugs, cutting school, hanging out with the scuzziest crowd she could find, shop-lifting, full-fledged affairs with boys, a year at one college, a year at another, a year roaming the country working at marginal jobs.  Her father and I were flummoxed.
Suddenly she stopped talking about boys, settled down at a university, graduated with honors and behan her career in a helping profession 300 miles from hom.  When I visited her I notied that, wherever she lived, her house-mates seemed to be (or definitely were) lesbians; but I never consciously attached much importance to that.
Then, when she was 22, she came home and told me she is a lesbian.  I felt my life change in an instant.  I felt guilty.  I had bought into society's myths about the cause of homosexuality -- a domineering mother and a distant father.  (I was then separated from my husband, who has since died.)  I was frightened, thinking that from here on her life would be rootless and unstable; that she might suffer job discrimination, harassment or even gay-bashing.  I was concerned that she would never find someone to wrap her emotional life around.  One thing I didn't feel was a need to reject. her.  I loved her completely, but I needed help dealing with my confusion and upset.  In my "shell-shocked" condition, I gave her a vaguely supportive response that I don't even remember now, more than twenty years later.
Somehow I had heard of Parents & Friends of Lesbians & Gays.  Two weeks later I was at my first meeting.  There I related some of that important conversation my daughter and I had had.  I spoke of my worry that I had let her down in my response, and of my fears for her future life.
The other parents, without any attempt to sound like psychologists, enlightened and encouraged me.  They assured me I hadn't caused my daughter's homosexuality -- no one has that power. They relieved my guilt.  And -- most important -- the lesbians and gays in the room told me, in open discussion and one-to-one during the break, that many of their experiences paralleled my daughter's: going through career upsets and acting out anti-socially while "coming out to themselves."
I was given several very helpful pamphlets, but I knew they were not to substitute for the human contact I was to have.  They were to help me frame further questions and reinfore all I was learning.
Since then, nothing I feared has happened.  My daughter excels in her profession, in her activism, and in her avocations.  She has a huge circle of supportive friends.  While she doesn't have a "forever" life partner, she has had long-standing exclusive affectionate relationships with young women I like.
Best of all, her bonds with her siblings and me are loving and strong.
2 Comments

    Personal Stories

    By sharing our personal stories with others, they get to know who we are and that LGBTQ people and families want the same things as everyone else -- to live fulfilling, happy lives with their loved ones and be treated equally with dignity and respect. PLEASE SHARE YOUR STORY WITH US!  You can email your story to PFLAG at pflagprovidence@gmail .com.  It doesn't have to be long.  Just enter "Personal Story" in the subject line of the email.

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