A Catholic Father's Quest

Our daughter Meg was twenty-eight, and had been living half a continent away from her mother and me for three years as she pursued her career, when she wrote us a letter saying she was a lesbian. She said she had been in counseling for some time and had finally admitted to herself her true orientation.

We were totally devastated. We wept and clung to each other, hoping that it was all a mistake and that she would soon come to her senses. Although we knew people who were in homosexual relationships and accepted them as friends, we had grave questions on morality. We are practicing Catholics, had been through sixteen years of Catholic schools, and had educated our children in the same way. In addition, we were terribly concerned about Meg’s welfare. We knew she would face discrimination and were afraid for her physical and mental well being. We also faced the loss of our dream of what her life would be: a successful career, marriage and children. The one thing that did not change was our love for her and our respect for her as a person.

My wife and I knew we needed more help than we could get from the limited literature we had, so we turned to our parish priest. Despite his years of experience, he had very little help to offer. But he called another couple in the parish who had been through a similar experience. They recommended that we call the local PFLAG chapter, and gave us the hot line number.

A warm, understanding couple answered. They related their own experience of going through the stages of shock, denial, anger, education, healing and acceptance. We could see we were not alone. They suggested we come to the next monthly meeting, where we could meet other couples who had been through this journey to acceptance -- or were still on it -- and who could relate to our sorrow.

We went filled with trepidation, but they looked out for us and guided us into a group with other first-timers, led by an experienced facilitator. It was very emotional, with several of us openly crying; but it was cathartic and prepared us for getting through the next month. They recommended that we read as much as possible about homosexuality. We took home books from the chapter library, including some written by parents of gays.

In the nearly five years since that first letter arrived, my wife and I have gone through a major change in feelings about Meg’s orientation. Along the way we passed many milestones: We disclosed to friends and family that she is a lesbian. We met her partner -- the same fine young woman who had been her partner for three years when Meg first wrote us that important letter. We came to the personal conviction that religions are wrong in their condemnation of homosexual acts within the confines of a committed relationship. We became activists for gay rights in churches, schools and community.

All this took much reading, prayer, meditation, and the help of other PFLAG members. Sometimes it seemed as if we took two steps forward and one step back. Many emotional situations arose and at times sadness still overcomes me, but now it is at the intolerance of churches, governments, organizations and unenlightened people. We feel that we are now better people for the experience, as we are much more tolerant of diversity of any kind. Our lives are richer.

--SWQ