One Family's Story

How do you think you would react if your child came to you and said, "Mom, Dad, I think I'm gay"? Most parents would be horrified. They assume that their children are heterosexual. The reality is that one in ten of our children is homosexual -- not by choice but by nature.

When our son, Ed, told us that he was gay, he was sure. He had been struggling with this realization for years. At that time he had graduated college and was a graduate student. His father asked Ed why he wanted to tell us. Did we really have to know? Well, he had fallen in love. Most parents would be thrilled to know that their child has found the love of their life. Children want to share their happiness with their parents.

At first we felt devastated. We cried together, thinking "How could this be?" The images in my head of childhood recollections of "queers" and "homos" didn't fit my son. They had to be wrong. We didn't know anyone else who was gay -- in or out of the family. I needed to understand, so I went to the library at a local university and found a handful of books on homosexuality. They all said it's not a mental illness, not maladjustment, not the result of poor parenting. Way back in the '70's Masters and Johnson concluded that ten percent of the population is homosexual. But why does so much ignorance and prejudice persist twenty years later? Is it because so many gays and lesbians have stayed hidden in the closet for fear of bigotry, abuse and discrimination?

My husband asked Ed why he wanted us to know that he was gay. He said that he didn't want to go on living a life of secrets. He didn't want to be cut off from full participation in our family. He wanted his partner to be accepted into the family just as his brothers' girlfriends had become a part of our family. He had a right to want and expect this.

We agonized over telling our other two sons. What would they think? Would they still love and accept their brother? Well, Ed's younger brother said he already knew, although Ed had never told him. And the other brother said, "It's okay. We're a family, we'll handle this as a family." As time passed we got to know Ed's partner, a delightful and sensitive young man of whom we have grown very fond.

The library books I read were helpful but they were so impersonal. I craved more. My husband and I had come a long way in our journey of understanding, but we had a strong desire to talk with other parents of gay children. In the list of resources in the back of one of the books I found PFLAG -- Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, an organization that offers support, education and advocacy. I discovered that, in addition to offering excellent books and pamphlets, PFLAG has support groups, and we joined one.

Many of the parents who come are just learning about their child's orientation. Their stories are all different. Some suspected for a long time, some had no idea. Some had other family members or friends who were gay or had gay children. Many did not. We discovered that we all had different ideas about homosexuality--remnants of our upbringing, childhood experiences, and/or religious beliefs. But there are similar threads. The one common denominator was that we all love our children. They are as precious to us as they were before they confided their sexual orientation to us, and we know that they deserve our love and support.

When I see our son and his partner together I see that they truly care for each other and they make each other happy. Isn't that what we want for all of our children?